Love and marriage - or who needs 54 bridesmaids?!

Over the past few weeks we have had a few occasions relating to this subject so I thought it would be interesting to share my observations! 

Historical roots

Marriage is actually not highly regarded in Afro-Guyanese culture and I have discovered that this reluctance to marry has shameful historical roots.  Apparently, plantation owners used to forbid their African slaves to marry each other and yet they forced them to breed children to increase their ‘stock’.  This tendency to have children (often by a variety of partners) has lingered to this day and so Guyana has more than its fair share of households consisting of a mother and a clutch of children, often from different fathers.  Men often have to work away overseas, in the interior or at sea so a family with a man involved is a rarity. 

Sadly, this cultural tendency has meant the spread of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases as well as resulting in the majority of children growing up without a hands on father. 

One element of my job description is to enhance family life and part of that involves encouraging healthy relationships, commitment and enriching those marriages that do exist.  In June we ran a marriage enrichment day, teaching about issues such as good communication, resolving conflict, good sex and dealing with in-laws!  We had 6 couples attending (eventually - they drifted in throughout the morning!) and those who came seemed to find the day helpful.  It seems that in this culture it is not the norm to talk about feelings and share emotionally with each other so this day may have been a complete paradigm shift for some of them. 

Engagement

We were invited to attend an engagement party and Mark was asked to lead a short blessing ceremony.  As usual we were confused by the way social events run here – it was meant to start at 4pm and we had told them we were going to be late as Mark had another meeting that was booked before this was arranged. 

So we arrived at 5pm and still hardly anyone was there!  Finally we got going with the ceremony at about 6pm!  Meanwhile, guests that were arriving just sat around tables, not talking because the music was too loud to hear each other!  I took a photo of the bank of speakers to show you how over the top they are for a normal garden!  The DJ told Mark they are 7000 watts!  Talk about overkill!  They are big enough to fill a huge football stadium with sound and it is beyond comprehension why they need so much noise at small parties – it is painful to be near the speakers and kills all conversation and socialising.  I don’t think we will ever get used to that element of life here – no-one we talk to seems to like the loud music, especially at night, and yet no-one does anything about it! 

 

The engaged couple cutting their cake

The 7000 watt bank of speakers - is it any wonder we never get any sleep?!
 

Kwe Kwe

This is apparently a Guyanese tradition celebrated the night before a wedding.  The bride’s female family and friends party at her home, and the groom’s at his home.  At this party they eat, drink and dance, and traditionally, the older members of the family advise the bride and groom about marriage and sex!  Then at midnight, the bride has to hide somewhere in the house and the groom and his friends come to her house and search for her!   Eventually they all go home to catch a bit of sleep!  No doubt this late partying contributes to the late arrival of the bride at the wedding!!  J

Our first Guyanese wedding

Mark took his first wedding last Saturday and it was an interesting experience!  The wedding was meant to start at 3.30pm and, to be fair, the groom, his best man, and ‘groomsmaids’ (they have small children attending the groom as well) arrived at 3pm as we arrived. 

The groom, his best man and attendants arrive

The bride has to pay a late fee to the minister before the ceremony which is returned if she is on time!  (Or within about half an hour!).  This was introduced as ministers were regularly waiting around for up to 3 hours for brides to appear!   The fee is only about £20 but that is a lot to couples here – Saturday’s bride forfeited her fee as she didn’t arrive until about 5pm!  

In the lead up to the arrival of the bride, the church slowly filled up with bridesmaids.  Mark had been told that there would be 22 bridesmaids, which we thought was a lot, then at the rehearsal, 33 turned up, and on the day I counted 54!  There were definitely more than that but I lost count and extras kept turning up all through the ceremony!  I have never seen so many bridesmaids!  

What intrigued us was that the chapel was full of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but none of the couple’s family came to the service.  We were told that people don’t generally go to people’s wedding services but just wait at the reception for them to appear and start the party!  We have expressed our concern about this that the service and the making of vows is the most important part of the day so everyone should attend and people seem to think we are suggesting something strange and new! 

We have explained that in England even people who are not Christians or church goers would consider it rude to just turn up to the reception without attending the service first.  We were also shocked that during the ceremony, the bridesmaids and groomsmen seemed completely disinterested in what was happening – many were on their phones, chatting to each other or sitting looking completely bored.  One man asked Mark how long it would take before he could get to the party and Mark said, ‘The party can start once the important part is done!’  It felt to me that there was no respect or dignity about the proceedings and hope that one day I might understand. 

The beginning of the line of bridesmaids and pageboys

I couldn't resist these two little cuties!

More of the bridesmaid line up!

The arrival of the bride - only an hour and a half late!

A chapel full of bridesmaids - and no family!

As you can see they look riveted! NOT!

They look like they really didn't want to be there. :-(

A video clip showing the line of bridesmaids

During the ceremony

The happy couple

Our forthcoming anniversary!

6th August 1983!  We were SO young! 

While on the subject of love and marriage, I just want to let you know that we are celebrating our 30^th anniversary on 6^th August!  To celebrate we have already had our nice holiday but on the day we have booked a night at a local hotel so that we can have a (hopefully) nice meal and a hot shower!  A rare treat!  Here’s to the next 30 years – I hope they are not all as dramatic as this last year has been!  J

 

 

A place of acceptance

20.7.13

Many of you are aware how much I have been struggling with being over here, particularly since we hit the 6 month mark and I realised just how much longer we have got to be here with all the struggles and difficulties!  I hoped that our holiday would give me a new sense of hope and lift my spirits but in fact, returning after a wonderful relaxing break made me feel more heavy hearted.  We came back to long power cuts, dribbly showers in the dark, food overrun by ants and our bank accounts missing online and I was beginning to feel that I was slipping over the edge, as I felt joyless and lifeless. 

However, this week a few things have happened to turn that around and for the first time in ages, I have felt more positive and upbeat and have a sense of hope again – for which I am thankful to God.  I also hope that my reflections on this week will be a source of encouragement for you too, especially those of you going through troubles of your own. 

Messengers of hope

The first thing that God used to lift my spirits was a wonderful email of encouragement from Emily along with the words and link to a beautiful hymn (I’ll include the words of the hymn at the end of this post).  Having reflected on Emily’s message and the hymn it has made me realise that home comforts aren’t everything and that God is using this time to teach me that he is enough for me – in fact all week I keep reading things that say ‘God is enough’ so I know he is trying to tell me something! 

It also made me realise that it is not right to wish my time here away – that time and life are precious even if things are hard, and that I must appreciate each moment.  I think I have been looking at the UK through rose coloured spectacles since living here and thinking ‘if only I was back in England, everything would be ok’.  I had a real sense that God said to me, ‘Do you REALLY think everything would be wonderful if you were living and working in England?’  Since having the internet we have been able to watch the BBC news most days and as we sit shouting at the computer screen, just as we used to shout at the TV when we were back home, it makes us realise that the UK is certainly not without its issues!!

I have realised afresh that life is never without its problems and ups and downs wherever you live and I am once again aware of the people I love back home going through difficulties that are different to mine but just as hard to deal with.   In all their problems the home comforts can’t help them but thankfully God can!

Things could be a lot worse!

Someone said to me a few weeks ago, ‘Always remember things could be a lot worse!’  I laughed at the time but it is true – we do have so much to be thankful for and although I don’t want to become ‘Pollyanna-ish’ I do want to count my blessings every day.  I am so thankful that we are not living under oppression or persecution, that we have freedom and resources to occasionally have a break from this life (something most people here never get), that we live in a nice home compared to most here, that we have plenty to eat, enough money to live on and spare to give away, that we are wonderfully supported and loved by all our friends and family back home and best of all that God loves us and has a purpose for us in being here. 

 I heard a sermon on Wednesday in which the preacher said that we can’t judge whether or not God is with us via our senses – if we look at our circumstances things can look bleak and we can imagine God has forgotten us but if we need to experience God’s presence in our spirits and then no matter what the circumstances we can find peace and joy. 

Fasting from the West

Another email this week from a fellow Mission Partner also encouraged me.  My friend quoted from a book she is reading about pilgrimages and it said,

'this kind of journey is a kind of a fast, a denial of self as an act of spiritual obedience. When Jesus went to the desert, he was tested in three ways: provision, relationships and power and when we choose to go on a journey/pilgrimage/mission we must face these same three issues. There's the rejection of material worries; we aren't particularly wealthy, so when we go on a trip we have to count the cost, and decide to go even though it may cause us financial difficulties. Secondly, there's a voluntary surrendering of our relationships; we have to separate our selves from our family and loved ones. And finally, there's a refusal to take power; we're not going 'in strength' to offer something of ourselves, instead we're going in weakness and in a denial of personal power.'

Before we even came to Guyana we felt that God was calling us to fast from the West for this period of time and there is no doubt that it is hard to deal with at times and I do feel like an alien in a strange land.  But as Emily said in her message, ‘…it's supposed to be hard, because that's what makes it worthwhile.’

Cats and daughters

Another profound thought came from an unexpected place this week as I have been reading a book about cats and daughters!  The author goes to stay with her daughter in Sri Lanka living amongst the poor and writes a description of the Western tourists she observes at a tea plantation.  She talks about they huddle together for safety in this alien environment and ‘reassure each other that theirs is the real world.’

She observes them in a frenzy in the café and gift shop eating everything in sight and buying up the shop and says that they are ‘Hungry, always hungry for food and shopping’  And then talking about people in a consumerist culture she says they are ‘…not fully alive, incapable of appreciating the present moment…in a constant state of rage and desire.’  That really challenged me because I realised that’s just what I have been like in feeling I need nice food and drink to survive and that I haven’t been appreciating the present moment but always looking forward to a supposed better day coming.  I don’t want to live my life like that and wish it away. 

Embracing the positive

I realise that I have been quite negative and full of self pity over the past few weeks and have said sorry to God for that – I also apologise to you my readers if you have got fed up of hearing about it all and thank you for your patient support!

I have been constantly praying for God to take this ‘cup’ away from me and let me go home but this week I feel I have come to a place of acceptance and although I would be delighted if for some reason we had to be pulled out and sent home, I am going to try once again to take up my cross willingly and as cheerfully as I can! 

The difficulties, frustrations and irritations have not gone away (and in fact since the first draft of this blog things seem to have become even more annoying – including our internet getting cut off – hence the delay in uploading this post!) but I am trusting God to help me through each day and I pray he continues to do so – I certainly can’t do this on my own.  Despite the ups and downs of this journey I am so thankful for all the signs of God’s grace this week and all the different ways he has spoken to me, challenged me and comforted me.  I pray that as you listen to this hymn and read the words they may be a comfort and a challenge to you too.  Please email me if you want to share any thoughts or needs for prayer with me – I always love to hear from people!

 

PS We are going to our first Guyanese wedding on Saturday so that will be the subject of my next post!!  

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iU8yXzsejc 

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken

1. Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

2. Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me,
Show Thy face and all is bright.

3. Man may trouble and distress me,
’Twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me;
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me,
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

4. Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,
Come disaster, scorn and pain"
In Thy service, pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father,
I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;
All must work for good to me.

5. Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
Think what Father’s smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee,
Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

6. Haste thee on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.
Heaven’s eternal days before thee,
God’s own hand shall guide us there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission,
Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope shall change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise

Sad, bad, glad and mad!

A slightly random collection of musings today! 

 

1. Sad

Since hitting the six-month anniversary of being here, I have been feeling a bit low and can’t seem to shake off the gloom.  I think the initial shock has worn off and now it is striking me just how much longer we have to serve here and it is hard to deal with some days.  I do enjoy the work here and see the good it is doing but still feel the isolation, monotony and general frustrations of life here.  I so miss having a social life and people to laugh and chat with plus leisure activities and a variety of food!  Please pray for a rising of hope and joy in my heart again.  We are on holiday for two weeks in July and I pray that a change of routine and view will give me a fresh perspective and renewed enthusiasm.

 

2. Bad

We received bad news that Mark’s Dad has been diagnosed with incurable cancer in his lungs and we are praying for wisdom about a good time to go back to the UK to visit.  News like this makes us realise how far away from home we are and the reality hits us that we can’t just pop back and see people easily.

 

3. Glad

In case you were getting depressed, here are some things that have brought a smile to my face in the last week…finding mushrooms in the supermarket for the first time in 6 months and making them into mushroom soup; giggly year 6 girls at our lunchtime club trying to teach me some Creole and falling about laughing when I tried to speak; watching episodes of Hairy Bikers Best of British on the DVDs my Dad sent (and trying not to get upset seeing the yummy ingredients!); getting some new earplugs which drown out the sounds of the animals, birds, cars and rain (but sadly not the booming base of the ‘music’); the ground being dry enough to let the cows back in to our garden; finding myself gazing longingly at an advert in a magazine showing a plate of beef and vegetables then realising it was an advert for dog food!

 

4. Mad

It is REALLY odd.  Apparently at the confirmation class that our lay worker led on Saturday they got to talking about mermaids (didn't get round to talking about the bible but that is another matter!).  Mark said to her, 'But mermaids are mythical aren't they?'  and she replied in all seriousness, 'Oh no Rev, I've seen them lots of times down the river in Linden - they come out of the water and sit on the rocks and I've seen them combing their hair!'.  

 

Mark came home from his pastoral visits and I expected him to tell me the usual round of old Mrs Bloggs this and that, and he told me that!  I was dumbfounded!  I think we are going mad and need a break!!  It could only happen in crazy old Guyana! 

A sensible bit about what makes a person poor and then a few random photos!

First, the serious bit, and then an odd selection of photos from the past week - from cocktails to cockerels!!  

What makes a person poor?

Every now and then I like to write a sensible blog post so here it is!!  I have been reading a book called ‘When Helping Hurts’ about how to help the poor without hurting them and it really gave me food for thought.   The book talked about four different kinds of poverty:

Poverty of spirituality is to do with our relationship with God.  It occurs when we try to live our lives without God and make it on our own.  We are meant to be in a relationship with God and when we ignore him or reject him, we suffer a lack of spiritual intimacy in our lives. 

Poverty of being is to do with our relationship with ourselves.  If we have too high an opinion of ourselves we can become proud and insufferable but if we have too low opinion of ourselves we can suffer poor self esteem so we need a healthy balance. 

Poverty of community is to do with our relationships with others.  Sometimes our relationships break down or we don’t make time for people who are important to us and when that happens we suffer a lack of community.

Poverty of stewardship is to do with our relationship with creation – the world around us.  When people suffer from lack of material goods through their own fault or because of corrupt, unjust or oppressive systems.

The premise of the book is that when you look at different types of poverty we discover that actually all of us are poor in one way or another.  We in the West often think of the poor people in the third world who need material goods but forget that we are often poor when it comes to building relationships, in the ways we view ourselves or in our relationship with God, so there is no ground for us to feel superior in any way.

Indeed, since living here we have seen the most dreadful poverty (lack of material possessions and often lacking in self esteem and confidence) and yet a richness in relationships both within communities and in the deep rooted faith of the people.  Conversely we have seen people in our own country who have everything money can buy materially but are poor in their relationships, community, self-esteem or faith.   

This book has certainly given me food for thought and I am thankful for this opportunity to gain from the wealth of the people here as well as to help them in their area of need. 

 OK so now for the odd selection of pics!

 

 

At a hotel where we stayed for a wonderful hot shower!

 

A lovely old colonial style building.  Apparently Edward VIII once stayed here, as did Prince Charles and Mick Jagger!

  

Happy hour! 

 

Yummy cocktail!

 

A pretty lighthouse near the mouth of the Demerara River - built by the British but no longer in use.

A rare rainbow spotted from our house.

The rainbow again - there is hope!

Not a good pic but look closely and you can see a very young child riding on the back of a motorbike with no helmet!!

When visiting a school we found this poor puppy in the yard - we saw a boy trying to kick it and managed to stop him but dread to think what happened once we left. :-(

Cockerel in the school yard!  Of course!

 

 This was taken from the classroom window and shows the school toilets - the smell was very overpowering!  Yuk!

 

Further to my 'education' blog - this my friends is the sum of one school's library.  Very sad.  Anyone want to send us some children's books?????
 

My hair looks like an oil slick!

I thought I would write today about our recent encounters with the youth of Mahaica and Mahaicony!  We have been getting to know both groups of young people and having a lot of fun with them.

On Monday 27^th May it was a national holiday here for ‘independence from Britain day’ and the Mahaicony youth invited us to join them for a barbeque at the church.  We were very honoured as no other ‘oldies’ were invited! 

They had prepared chicken, which Mark helped to cook, and also fried copious amounts of chips!  In the days leading up to the barbeque it was clear they were very excited and very much looking forward to it.  On the day we ate our chicken and chips then played some games and had a bit of a boogie – all great fun and very simple but they have since told us that they REALLY enjoyed the day.  One girl (who is 20) told me it was the most fun she had ever had in her life!  Amazing and very humbling when you think about all the great choice of leisure activities we have in the UK. 

They thought it was hilarious that Mark and I not only danced but instigated the dancing – they said they had never seen a Rev dance before and that they are not usually allowed to have fun!  Bless their hearts!  They fully intend to plan a lot more barbeques before we leave so we look forward to that.  

The excited girls preparing the sauce for the chicken



Cooking the chicken

Frying chips - it was such a hot job!

The lads at the barbeque!

Eating our lunch

The girls trying to teach the oldie some dance moves!

Mark trying to pick up a cereal box with his teeth!  As you do!

Time for a boogie woogie!

Having some much needed fun!

Some of the girls were keen to have a go at braiding my hair like theirs, so yesterday I went over to one of their houses to let them loose!  What an afternoon!  When they took out my hair clip they all screamed with delight as they had never touched a white person’s hair before and thought it was hilarious that it was so soft and floppy!  One of the girls braided my hair and lathered it with Vaseline!  They thought it looked good but I wasn’t so sure!  Have a look at the pictures and make up your own minds!! 

 

Great hilarity when they all felt my hair for the first time!

It was a painful experience! 

Not a style I will be repeating!  Hoping that one day I'll get all the vaseline out!

 They were so sweet – when they had finished they said ‘We look like sisters now!’  While doing my hair we had some interesting conversations comparing our cultures – they were astonished that we have to cut our hair as they told me they never cut theirs.  Everything I say they think is hilarious – just as well I don’t take myself too seriously!!  Ha!  They have decided we are having more ‘girlie’ afternoons but I have decided not to let them braid my hair again – today I have washed it four times and I still look like an oil slick as the Vaseline won’t come out! 

On Sunday we met the Mahaica youth and Mark did a little study on 1 Corinthians 12 about us all being part of the body and using our different gifts and talents.  We then did an exercise in which we got them to say what each other’s gifts and strengths were and I have written them down to make them all a laminated bookmark with the words on to keep and encourage them.  They were so sweet because after we had been round the room they wanted to do us so here are their words describing us…

Mark – good sense of humour; good role model; extremely friendly; good listener; understanding;  wonderful preacher (with the added comment – short and sweet!); generous; approachable; speaks his mind; supports the youth; can count on him; good pastor. 

And me…

Boogie woogie dancer (?!); loves dancing; good wife; good cook (they prefaced this by saying…’Looking at Mark we can see she is a good cook!’); fun; creative; loving; encouraging; approachable; not stuck up (I love that one!); good listener; good sense of humour; courteous; generous; friendly; sociable and intelligent.

We were so touched by their words and feel we are building such good bonds with the youngsters.  Part of our ministry here is to tell people it is ok to have fun and enjoy life as everyone seems to think it is more holy to be miserable!!   Seeing them develop and open up is so rewarding and hopefully they will continue to have fun long after we’ve gone! 

 

One little post script...we have seen a little scraggy dog hanging around and been giving it our scraps and we bought it a tin of dog food!  It was terrified of us but now comes a bit closer!  We have named it Stumpy as it only has a stump for a tail!!  LOL  Here is a picture of it...

Stumpy enjoying a good meal for a change!  Haha!

 

Feeding programme restarted! :-)

I’m not sure if I mentioned before about the feeding programme at one of Mark’s churches?  Well, they used to provide lunch for kids from the local school who do not get any food all day long but had to stop the programme some months before we arrived because of lack of resources and helpers. 

Well it was really causing us grief knowing that there were children who were turning up at the church each day hoping for food and being turned away so since we have arrived we have been trying to encourage the church to restart the programme.  We agreed to personally pay for the gas bottles for the cooking as long as we are in the country, as that was causing a real problem to these poor overstretched people and some local stores agreed to provide some rice and other ingredients.  So we have been praying for some volunteers to take on the responsibility of planning, cooking and serving the food.

You can imagine our delight when they told us two weeks ago that they have finally restarted the feeding programme – they can cope with three days a week which is certainly better than nothing.  This means now that on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, up to 25 children who would otherwise have gone all day with nothing to eat or drink, now receive a simple hot meal and a large cup of fruit juice.  We are so excited and proud of the congregation for getting it running again.  We visited them last Thursday to encourage them and took the photos you can see below.

Cooking a yummy chicken curry

 

Excited children washing their hands before eating

Me teaching the children a song for grace

Grateful smiles

Cheeky boys!

Mark helping serve up!



Happy face!

A couple of other random photos – it is rainy season and today it has rained non stop – this is just a pic of our waterlogged garden!  The extra rain means mozzies abound so we are being eaten alive just now!  Roll on dry season! 

 

Also a photo of Mark baptising a man and his son a couple of weeks ago and one of three of our local preachers at their accreditation service.